QuestionThirty – Q30

Q30’s Guide to Healthy-ish Drinking

40/40 Club calls  this 'Beverage Architecture.'

Does healthy drinking exist?

champagne glasses row

How much can I drink without becoming an alcoholic or peeing in my sleep?

Drinking colorful shots

Can I still look cool when everyone else is drinking?

Q30’s Guide to Healthy-ish Drinking (looking at you 28 and over crowd)

Don't get pube-sicles. Perfect your bingeing skills.

Don’t get pube-sicles. Perfect your bingeing skills.

There’s a polar vortex headed your way, and once you’ve made sure your cats are sufficiently cuddled, I bet you’re going to hit the bottle. I understand. Before I quit drinking for the cancer, I perfected my mulled wine recipe for chilly nights like these. Yet before I knew it, my ladle was coming up empty, and I was wasted with a red wine mustache. Make sure you practice the art to binge-drinking, so you don’t make a fool of yourself or pee on your sister and her bed in your sleep (true story).

The National Institute of Health, NIH, says that women who drink more than 12 alcoholic beverages and men who have over 15 a week are alkeys. People who have more than 5 glasses in one sitting: 99 problems and alcoholism is 1.

40/40 Club calls  this 'Beverage Architecture.'

40/40 Club calls this ‘Beverage Architecture.’

I think those guidelines are a little harsh. How can you be expected to make the most of Happy Hour bargains, or let your Kiwi flatmate shoot a potato gun at your tush, or take Saturday night to the next level on a sloppy Sunday Funday, if you’re limited to 5 drinks in a sitting?

Follow these guidelines and you (probably) won’t end up in rehab (although you might end up passed out on a stranger’s couch with a permanent marker penis on your forehead) or like this guy: World’s Most Drunk Person Ever.

Q30’s Guide to Healthy-ish Drinking. You’re allowed:

  • 1 blackout a year, the key is moderation, baby.
  • 2 serious drinking seshes a week—1 happy hour, 1 weekend hurrah
  • 2 low-key dinner nights with 2-3 glasses of wine. Okay, fine, you can finish off the last little splash left in the bottle. That doesn’t go for magnums!

I don’t care if you sleep in your sparkly party shirt, no pants, and one shoe on the kitchen floor, just DO NOT forget to empty your bladder before passing-out. Your sister’s sheets will thank you.

I bet that Nantucket alkey's got a jet-ski.

I bet that Nantucket alkey’s got a jet-ski.

Tricks to extend a drinking sesh without secreting bodily waste:

  • Add sparkling water to your white wine while wearing pastel pants with little whales. Gurl, you’re so Nantucket.
  • Add Coke to cheap red wine. Then do your best Germans speaking American accent.
  • Do that thing from Coyote Ugly where she pretends to take a shot but spits that shit back out. Practice first! It’s not as easy as it looks.

If you vomit, even the next day, you’re doing it wrong or you have that Asian alcohol allergy.

But what kind of roots?

But what kind of roots?

If you don’t drink but don’t want to look lame:

  • Hold something! (That’s what she said?). A cat perhaps.
  • Drink sparkling water or other beverage in a wine glass, so you feel like you’re still partaking.
  • Definitely don’t let the bartender give you one of those huge water glasses that only a bear paw could handle. It’s so annoying.
  • Hang out with the smokers. Take a straw or a chopstick to chew on if you don’t want to pick up a new habit. Going in and outside gives you something to do. Sobriety can get boring at bars.
  • Drink ginger or root beer, cream soda, anything non-alcoholic from a bottle or can.
  • Drink a Shirley Temple. Maraschino cherries! My go-to bar beverage.
    The song choice of date-rapists. RUN.

    The song choice of date-rapists. RUN.

  • Do shots of Red Bull instead when that stupid LMFAO song comes on and then leave. You’re too old and too cool to be at this club.
  • Act drunk! People feel more at ease if they think everyone is in the same state. Slur it up. Fall all over yourself. I recently discovered this trick when I was out on the town and dancing with my cane like it was my giant penis splooging all over my friends. No joke: I got emails the next day about what a great dancer I am.

Good luck, you lushes. Let me know how Q30’s Guide to Healthy-ish Drinking goes.

Discuss these EQs: Does healthy drinking exist? How much can I drink without becoming an alcoholic? Can I look cool without drinking?


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Lauren Sczudlo

am a 30-year-old nap enthusiast, former high school English teacher, world traveling vineyard laborer, and picture book librarian, pursuing her life-long dream of being a ‘real’ writer.

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